Sharing the love..
I really didn't know what to do, being honest i thought this little "thing" growing inside me would be the end of what seemed to be a perfect relationship. What did i do?
Well i didn't say a word, for a good week i kept it to myself, trying to work out what would be the best decision, if i could raise a child on my own.
How wrong i was, after finally gathering the courage to tell my boyfriend, a weight was lifted he was over the moon. Our relationship had moved pretty fast, but you know when you just feel like you was supposed to find this other human, the right to your left well that was us.
With a 13 year age gap people did talk behind our backs, " oh she's just a fling" " They won't settle down" " that relationship won't last" well to all of those people look at us now!
The moment our son was placed in my arms, i had never known a feeling like it, a tiny screwed up face looked at mine, the world seemed even bigger then before, i knew i'd give my life for this boy.
18 months after the same 2 little lines popped up but this pregnancy was very much planned, well as good as you can try to plan it!
Then another little boy placed on me, just as perfect as his big brother, but the feeling i felt was some what different, around in my head i knew i loved him, and would also give my life for him, but i had a feeling of worry. How would i look after two children? two small humans that would rely on me for everything, had we had another baby to soon? I looked at his little face and i knew i had to give it my all.
Sharing my love between them both was hard, breast feeding, changing nappies, trying to spend quality time with one while the other one slept, was i sharing myself equally? Still young and new to this whole thing, all i did was try my best, that's all i could do. I didn't have a family network around me and Mark worked all the hours he could to provide for us, sometimes it was harder then other times, when both of them would cry its like i didn't know which one to tend to first...
Being a parent doesn't come with a guide book, you just have to do what you feel is best, as they grew up it got easier. There bond with each other blossomed and they became the best of friends, it was like it all slotted in to place, dinner times, park visits, the whole thing just seemed perfect.
Until my eldest became ill, a lump had appeared on his neck, and panic took hold. All of my time went in to taking him to hospital for blood tests, and referrals, its like our little family bond was broken but he needed me.
Thankfully it wasn't as sinister as the doctors had first thought, back home i felt like i had lost my bond with H.
We had spoke about having another child, but nothing was written in stone, we was happy, things seemed to be in a good place, Mark got a new job which meant he could be with us more.
|I started to feel unwell, but something i'm sure i had felt before. ( I must sound like a baby making machine ) There she was our daughter, a tiny little doll, weighting 4lb so we had to stay in hospital, because she wouldn't feed, and needed a few tests, but perfect. I made sure Mark brought the boys in as much as he could so the bond could start as soon as.
This time i didn't feel so pressured for things to be perfect, i knew i had enough love in side of me to love them all, i didn't feel that i needed to split myself in too a thousand different people to be a mum.
The boys adored there sister, and every opportunity they always wanted to help with her.
Now they are older, and fight like cat and dog most day's, quality time with them individually seems to be easier, they all like different things, with R we will have a pamper day, listening to music, painting our nails doing our hair, with C as he's the oldest i let him choose and he's such an out door child its mostly walks or reading, playing Lego together, then theirs H well my middle child my funny little one, the world seems bright with him it it, he's cheeky, annoying but our bond is special, he's my boy we'll sit and tell stories, and enjoy Star Wars together.
But i love them all equally, my love is shared between them all, its not an easy path but here we are, in a chaotic house, with tears and tantrums, laughs and craziness and you know there's no other place i would want to be.
Em x
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